Our country is currently overrun by people dying to be told what to do by other people, posing as professionals, who have no idea what they are talking about. Normally I’d let this slide, knowing full well that many people are weak and require anyone, no matter who it is, to tell them what to do. But this type of behavior is spilling out and bleeding into my everyday life. And I’m sick of having trends jammed down my throat. So it's time for me to jam the edge of my hand on the throats of those responsible. Head up, Dr. Phil.

The Elitist

I can eat this corn dog, but you can't

Dr. Phil is overweight. But he has no problem getting in your face and telling you to stop being a fatty waste of fat. Cuz, you see, Dr. Phil is above criticism. He’s a “Doctor.” He totally gets real. And Middle America loves watching people get verbally abused by TV hosts posing as someone who cares. He can sit there and say he’s comfortable with his weight, and in the same breath tell other people they need to get real about how they look. Fuck you, jerkface.

Everyone knows who Dr. Phil is, and there’s a reason for it. This guy isn’t just a media whore with his nose in the wrong place. He’s a double-decker busload of prostitutes being sent to a policemen’s ball. He’s been on Letterman. He’s been on Leno. He’s even been on Frasier. The man lives in a 7 million dollar Beverly Hills mansion, and reminds us of this with a smug look whenever “getting real” with one of the poor saps on his show. That smug look is saying, “Hey there fella, you’re making me millions of dollars with your menial problems, and all I have to do is spout off some redundant saying that any educated person past 5th grade can come up with.” From what I gather, Dr. Phil’s advice goes something like this: 'You’re not happy? Change the thing that makes you sad. You’re cheating on your wife? Stop it. You don’t like having things shoved up the ass? Stop talking to me, cuz that’s all I’m doin to ya!'

You want these chili fries, don't you?

If Dr. Phil gave his advice in private, I wouldn’t mind so much. It means he’s focused on actually performing his duties as…well, whatever he is. But to constantly run TV promos of this mustached egg is drawing the line. I found a quote from this Elitist asshole that pretty much sums up my anger:

"If I just went on the air and said, 'OK, today we're going over the five points of forgiveness. Number one ... ' You know, it's like click, click, click, click, click. They'll be going over to watch a test pattern. But if you can make it entertaining, with compelling stories and all, then I think that people will watch."

And with that, I’ve proven my point that this guy is all about ratings and money. But here’s the best one:

“You go to school and you learn how to read and write and add and subtract, but people really don't teach you life skills. They don't teach you how to choose a mate, how to manage your emotions, how to be a self-starter. They don't teach you a lot of those skills that we really have to have to get by."

Hey Grimace, of course they don’t teach you life skills in school. THAT’S WHAT PARENTS ARE FOR!!! And even if there’s a kid at home without that parental influence, they’d be better off learning from the drug dealer on the corner than from someone just looking to “make it entertaining.” At least then if they feel bad about their life, they can just smoke some crack.

I can’t talk about this fraud anymore. People. Please. Stop giving this guy your time. You want useable, common sense information? Think for yourself. Don’t be told what you need. Unless you’re listening to me tell you that you need to stop watching Dr. Phil.

The HIPPOcrit

The Atkins Diet is for chumps. Wanna know why? Because it's a diet trend. A trend so stupid that restaurants can claim they are Atkins-friendly. And how do they do this? They give you a sandwich without the bread. A sandwich without bread!?! Are we insane?! I saw a whole news story about a couple trying to cut down on carbs by making a ham and cheese "sandwich." They wrapped the ham in cheese and ate it. These are not sandwiches! The basic idea of Atkins is to cut down on carbs and to eat a whole lot of meat, and lose weight by doing it! Sounds extremely wrong, doesn't it? Well guess what? Atkins himself, the man who came up with this genius plan, wasn't exactly a paramount of health. Here's some excerpts from a recent article:

Paper: Diet guru Atkins qualified as obese
NEW YORK (AP) -- Dr. Robert Atkins, whose popular diet stresses protein-rich meat and cheese over carbohydrates, weighed 258 pounds at his death and had a history of heart disease, a newspaper reported Tuesday.

Before his death, he had suffered a heart attack, congestive heart failure and hypertension, The Wall Street Journal reported, citing a report by the city medical examiner.

At 258 pounds, the 6-foot-tall Atkins would have qualified as obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's body-mass index calculator.

Yes! Let's follow the diet of a man with several heart problems and obesity. While the article does note that Dr. Atkins may have gained about 50 pounds while in a coma, I'm gonna say it's a fairly safe bet that these heart problems can be related to his unending meat bonanza. But certainly this can't be true! I must be leaving something out! I mean, according to the Atkins website, I'm wrong!

Fallacy: A nutritional approach that promotes a liberal intake of high-fat meats and dairy products will raise cholesterol levels, ultimately leading to heart disease.
Fact: It is true that every major health organization, as well as the U.S. government, endorses a low-fat diet in the unquestioned belief that fat causes heart disease. But are they right? A good deal of compelling evidence points in the opposite direction.

The site goes on to give its "compelling" evidence in about 4 paragraphs. You can read it here if you really want to. But according to them, every major health organization and the US government has no clue what they're talking about. Yet this thing continues to grow in popularity. What the fuck is happening?! Oh, and I found some compelling evidence of my own:

“Promoters of the popular low-carbohydrate, high-fat Atkins diet are saying that people should limit their intake of saturated fat by cutting back on Atkins staples such as meat, cheese and butter, The New York Times reported on Sunday.”

Oops. Someone forgot to change the website! Now, according to the Times, people are now supposed to cut back saturated fat intake (a liberal part of Atkins) but still stay away from carbs. So I guess that leaves us some fruits, vegetables, and fats, oils, and sweets. Ah yes. This Atkins Diet seems really sound.

I swear, this Atkins guy just had to be messing around with his buddies one night. "Hey guys, check this out. I'm going to have a diet that goes against everything you've ever scientifically known about eating. I'm gonna fuck up that food pyramid once and for all." Or maybe growin up he just had a negligent teacher who cut off the bottom of the food pyramid when making copies, and this guy never realized bread was important. So when he came up with this fucked up diet and people called him on it, he was too embarrassed to admit it. Hopefully that's it. At least he'd would have an excuse. Unlike the droves of overweight zombies looking for an easy way to fix their problem. Their only excuse is that they're lazy, and by using a diet high in fat, they can continue eating the good parts of a sandwich.

The Forgetful Director

A Pair of Boobs.

And finally, Spike Lee pissed me off again. And it has to do with...The Super Bowl Halftime show! Here's what he said: Filmmaker Spike Lee, speaking to Kent State University students in Ohio Tuesday, called Jackson's display a "new low." "What's gonna be next? It's getting crazy, and it's all down to money. Money and fame," the Do the Right Thing director said.

My God, it's easy to forget that he was once an influential director who tackled controversial subjects and had no problems with nudity. (I mean, come on. How gratuitous is the scene in He Got Game when Jesus Shuttlesworth visits a college and walks in on two naked women) As a director, you would think he would relate to the value of art and shock, especially after how shockingly bad Summer of Sam was.

I don't need to spend much time on this one. Spike Lee is easy to deck. He mentions that this is a new low and that it’s all about money and fame. But Mr. Lee fails to recall that the old low was set by him when he tried to sue Spike Television for…get this…MONEY… and to protect his FAME. Now what's more embarrassing? A two-second breast shot that put Janet Jackson right back in the spotlight, or a man pleading with a television station to stop using a name that he can't even legally lay claim to. Please stop embarrassing yourself, buddy.

In short, don't pay attention to rich, famous people who think they're better than you, put that meat back between those damn buns, and celebrate the fact that the Super Bowl halftime show was actually made interesting this year.

If you think nudity is much more fun than hearing someone complain about it, attach a pic to Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com