This guy loves weed

Oh man, I gotta tell you. I’m writing this Meat, and I am stoned out of my mind. But that’s cool, because it’s so great to just let the words flow, you know? Just allow my fingers to do the thinking for once. Like, they’re just the mindless drones, and my brain gets to just sit all up there in my skull and relax, barking orders. Dictatorships suck, man. I’m so wasted.

Okay, so at this point you’re reading this and thinking one of two things. The first is, “Holy shit, this is awesome! This dude is fucked up and talking about weed! WEED!” Or you’re thinking, “Holy shit, I’m so sick of people and weed references.” And of course, if you’re thinking the second thing, you’ve come to the right place. If you’re thinking the first thing, you need to read this article, then come back so I can school you some more.

At least stoners dress funny.

I’m sorry to burst everyone’s bong water bubble, but I’m not stoned. Not that I have anything against weed. It’s more against the people who smoke weed. If you pay attention to the current culture and to anyone you know who smokes weed, you will find an annoying little relationship. Any time there is even the remotest reference to marijuana, pot heads think it’s the greatest, most hysterical thing to ever happen to them. Not because a joke is made. Oh no. Just simply because weed is mentioned. Or even sometimes when it isn’t. Sit around sometime and listen to a stoner draw conclusions about cartoons or Alf. That’s where the real comedy is at. And I’m not just talking about hippies, though they seem to lead the charge due to their overwhelming stupidity. I’m talking about pot smokers in general.

For some quick proof, I will refer you to any Live Dave Matthews Band album. Go ahead and give the CD a listen. Be sure to pay close attention to any time Dave has a lyric such as “smoke my mind, make me feel better for a small time.” Because shortly after, the crowd will erupt in applause. For three hours, Dave Matthews will sing about love, tragedy, joy, and death, things that people can relate to. Yet his biggest response is from one line that doesn’t really even celebrate marijuana. People go crazy. “Yeah! Oh my God! When Dave says smoke my mind, he’s talking about weed! How awesome is that??” What a bunch of morons. It almost makes me embarrassed to be a Dave Matthews fan, though I resigned long ago that people who go to Dave concerts aren’t there for the music. When a minor lyric gets more applause than a 20 minute solo, there’s something wrong.

Another example is the whole Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz connection. This is the ultimate in stoner mythology, the idea that Dark Side was somehow recorded to match only a handful of moments in the Wizard of Oz. Of course, if you’re stoned, and you see the movie go to color and hear Money hit at the same time, you’ll be convinced forever. But you’re stoned, so you can convince yourself of anything, really. Try sitting through that thing sober one time. If Pink Floyd did intend for that album to match up with Wizard of Oz, they did a shitty job. They may have figured their audience is made up of burnt-out potheads who won’t notice that there’s really only one solid connection between the two. But most likely they just figured their audience is made up of burnt-out potheads, and gave them a great album to pass out to. Either way, watching this movie stoned is fun the first time, when you’re telling yourself it could be real. Watching it sober with someone who’s stoned is a nightmare.

Maybe it’s just the fact that constantly smoking weed gives you a dull, unresponsive feeling. And so, their last instinctive reaction is to just laugh when someone tells them it’s 4:20 in the afternoon. Or to chuckle to themselves at Scooby Doo because they think Shaggy is stoned all the time. By the way. No one actually knows what 420 means. Ask 10 people, you get 7 different answers, 2 dodged questions, and one guy who’s still talking about how Jerry Garcia came out of a coma to relearn guitar. People laugh when they hear “weed” for the same reasons they listen to Phish: They have no idea when something sucks.

Here’s a quick test. Next time you’re in a group of people, just kind of say something like, “I’ve got some sticky green stuff stuck to the bottom of my shoe.” Then look around to see who’s got a stupid-ass grin on their face. Once you find that person, beat the crap out of them with your shoe. Then take their weed. That’ll teach stoners to laugh at things that aren’t actually jokes.

If you’ve got nothing against weed, but are anti-stupid people, puff puff pass to Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com