Just in time for Christmas

Well, it’s finally happened. Saddam Hussein has been captured, appropriately found nestled in a wonderful piece of real estate known as a hole. As news spread of Saddam’s capture, his image was all over the world; at first sporting a poorly groomed beard while a doctor shoved a depressor down his throat. Yeah! Justice was finally being served by mildly gagging him!

Taste the justice

But later, photos emerged of a (dare I say?) handsome, shaven Saddam. The US forces cleaned him up and gave him his moustache back! “So, uh, Saddam. Should we leave the stache for ya, buddy?”

Not that I wouldn’t have loved to have seen that exchange, but personally, I think the US Military wasted a golden opportunity. Now that we’ve captured Saddam, supposedly the most horrific man on the planet, do we bring in the torture expert? Try him immediately? No. We bring in a stylist. This was the best time to completely humiliate the leader and embarrass his followers to the point where they would have no choice to give up. Luckily, I’m in a particularly cheerful mood, so I thought I’d take this time to get off some cheap pops and easy jokes, because really, Saddam doesn’t deserve to be treated with dignity or intelligent comedy.

Due to our abnormally large network of intelligence, we found that Saddam’s trademark “Tom Selleck” moustache wasn’t the first choice of the military. (We also found that Tom Selleck tried to copyright his stache in ’83, but found that Saddam already laid claim to the style.) Before they cleaned him up for camera, they actually went through a bevy of different makeovers and hairstyles in an attempt to embarrass the former leader. To our advantage, there was a soldier present with an affinity for photography, who just so happens to be a huge fan of the site. So we now present to you the most obvious jokes we could come up with, er the secret hairstyles of Saddam Hussein.

Let the makeover begin!

The Nolte

Clearly, this was the first and easiest step for the coalition to take. All they really had to was toss a Hawaiian shirt on him.

The Danza

Just to toss a little more salt on the wound, they had to remind Saddam that he is definitely not the boss.

The Jules

A staple and always good for a laugh when placed on the wrong person, the afro is clearly modeled after one of the soldiers' favorite movie characters.

The Hogan

Once the dye was broken out, they couldn't resist making Saddam over into The Real American. While it may look like he's saluting his Hulk Hogan Python Power bandana, Saddam was actually refusing to wear it for the picture. He is still granted some liberties, I see.

The Horribly-Disguised Transvestite

An obvious attempt to imitate Robert Plant goes horribly wrong, as Saddam looks more like a bewildered poodle than the Zep front man.

The Steve Sanders

For months now, the troops have been living off of old reruns of 90210, and thought this was a show Saddam would probably hate. So they looked to Ian Ziering for inspiration.

The Hitler

Some troops remarked that this made him look less like Hitler, and more like Walter Mattheau. But one thing's for sure. That "moustache" is not made of hair.

And finally...

The Obligatory Patriotic Ending

Bush sends his regards.

If you have secret photos of Saddam's hairstyle torture, send them to Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com