The Decking Crew | The Meat

Buddy, I am Gonna Sue You in the Face!
May 23rd, 2003

I was sitting on the floor the other day fighting with a cockroach over my last Oreo cookie when I realized, ‘holy shit, I’m fighting over an Oreo with a cockroach!’ I decided to battle the stomach pains instead, and let him win. As I sat back, my disgust turned to joy when I saw a news story about a man who is suing Oreo because it contains hidden fat. Two things came to mind. 1) A cockroach just saved my life, and 2) The litigation floodgates are busted open! If some fatty can sue a cookie, I’m joining in the fun.

From now on, I’m suing everything. No longer will I have to battle insects to stay alive. Whenever I need a little cash, I’ll be suing. I’ll sue men. I’ll sue women. I’ll sue small babies who cry too much. Here’s who else I’ll sue:

-I’ll sue fat people for making me feel like a slob when I eat more than them at buffets.
- I’ll sue Baked Lays for not having as much fat as Original Lays.
- I’ll sue Original Lays for having too much fat.
- I’ll sue uncomfortable chairs.
- I’ll sue evil vampire hobos for making me nervous when I walk down
dark alleys.
- I’ll sue good vampire hobos for not protecting me.
- I’ll sue the word cacti for being such a stupid plural.
- I’ll sue the Gap for making my jeans too long.
- I’ll sue myself for shopping at the Gap.
- I’ll sue God for giving me the free will to decide who I can sue. That’ll blow his mind!
- I’ll sue Magic Johnson for false advertising of the AIDS virus.

And I’ll blame it all on Marilyn Manson.

I’ll sue anyone.

I’ll sue you. Silentguerrs@aol.com