2003 - 2004
October 28th - Fuck Early Retirement - By now you know the reason this remains to be a "journal" is because I'm too lazy to change the header graphic and too egotistical to take the whole page down. Which would also explain why I've decided to continue writing here. - It's been an unusually stagnant time for the site, and for no good reason. We got linked on a bunch of sites and annihilated our bandwidth with our DeBeers and Old People Racing videos, and decided to keep people coming back with...deafening silence. Nice work, jerkfaces. In the meantime, we have been working on a new short which will show up here soon. So at least I don't feel like a total waste of life. - It's amazing that two posts ago, I wrote about spotting Flavor Flav in a viking helmet, and now the guy's a star on TV wearing the EXACT same outfit. I'd like to think I discovered him, but that doesn't make any sense. So I won't. - Speaking of rapper run-ins, I was in a hotel in Pomona, California (affectionately, though falsely titled "The Inland Empire" by people trying to make themselves feel better about their crappy town), and as I stepped off the elevator, Snoop Dogg himself stood before me. It was 9 in the morning and he had a little cigar hanging out of his mouth. He looked at me and I stared, dumbfounded only because Pomona is the last place you expect to see a normal human, let alone Snoop-a-Loop. I thought about saying something, but quickly realized anything I had to say would have come out sounding very white. And the last thing I want to do is come across as an ambassador for dorky white guys who listen to rap music. I think that base is sufficiently covered. - I was at an RV show this past week (for work purposes, I promise you), and was amazed at the dick-measuring contests these RV salesmen constantly have with each other. For some reason, their lack of contention for their position in life translates directly to how big of an asshole they can be. It's like a lot full of car salesmen, but since the vehicles they're selling are so huge, they feel that much more inadequate, therefore working twice as hard to be a fuckface. It's an awesome sight to behold. - I was watching Fox News a few weeks ago (for work purposes, I promise you) right before one of the debates, and got to hear the Newsertainmentcaster explain that if you're bored with the debates, they've created a handy drinking game to play along with. He laid out all the rules with a vicious smirk on his face, and after finishing the story, said, "But, of course, you shouldn't ever drink. Especially if you're driving." As insulted as I was, it was pretty funny to see someone try to switch 3 gears in 12 seconds. It's like, "Tonight, an important debate to decide the country's future. But if that's not interesting enough to you, get yourself good and fucked up. It's the American way. Well, theoretically. Because you shouldn't drink. Next up, a woman is killed by a drunk driver just trying to make election time fun!" - I was watching SNL this past weekend (not for work purposes, but I promise it felt like work) and caught Ashlee Simpson's debacle. I've had a delightful time listening to all the backtracking and excuses. It's bad enough she got caught with her mouth closed. But then she danced a jig, blamed her band, blamed acid reflux, then changed her mind and blamed her drummer for hitting the wrong trigger, tried to make fun of herself on the Radio Music Awards, then actually sang, negating her stupid joke with an even better joke of bad singing, and now she'll probably get a whole bunch of press and sympathy for being talentless. America -- Fuck Yeah! - If you came here by accident and were surprised to see a journal entry, don't tell anyone, especially Guerrs |
July 13th - Oh, I'm Sorry, Were You Expecting an Update? - You know, this "journal" touts an in-depth journey into an inadequate mind...I'm pretty sure when I typed in-depth, I was thinking that people would expect the depth part to mean how long I could go without actually updating. Is this an update right now? I don't know. I ended my 2003 journal talking about how much live journals suck, but was stuck with the hefty task of redoing the graphic at the top of the page. So instead, I stopped writing. I mean, come on. If I can't even put in the effort to update my graphic, I obviously have nothing to say in short, witty self-banter. I save it all for here and here. - Maybe I'll update this in the near future. Maybe it won't even exist in the future. But I think if I died tomorrow...it would suck. And I wouldn't be thinking about this journal at all. But what if, after my death, someone was looking around this site and finds this entry. My last entry. The worst, weakest piece of writing I have ever accomplished. And I just received word from the rest of my brain that I can't even call this entry an accomplishment. But who cares what my brain thinks, it's going to be dead tomorrow. - See, and I only make things worse by not only taunting death, but taunting my own legacy by continuing to write! Well, at least I haven't spelled anything wrong. That should get me some points. With God's spellchecker. Cuz when he sends people to hell, he likes to make sure their sins have been accomplished (or, whatever) accurately. I mean, if I had grammar problems, then no one would care what I had to say, and therefore God might be more likely to let me slip into heaven. Sure, I was inherently trying to be evil, but I failed. And God likes that. Because it makes him feel that much cooler. - Geez, you would think my final entry would be more pleading to God to save me. Not to question his policies on syntax. - And now... I have accomplished the goal of making this just like a Live Journal. I can retire in peace, and save my energy for the Meat, the Nerd Condo, and The Nitty Gritty. - If you'd like this Pre-Typed Journal to come out of retirement, pay your respects to Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com |
February 20th - One Year and a Day Ago, Your Life Was Missing Something - The Decking Crew has been online for one year. Think of all we’ve accomplished. We haven’t saved any lives, we haven’t cured any diseases, we haven’t made the world more Politically Correct, we ignore politics, we’re never correct, we’ve angered Matrix fans, we’ve tried to incite the wrath of Mayor McCheese, and made a lot of jokes nerds would like. I’m so proud of me. Okay, on to a life-altering string of words known as my ‘journal.’ - Last Friday, I sat at work thinking, ‘you know, there’s really only one thing missing in my life.’ And before I could finish my thought, it was interrupted by a new e-mail in my inbox. It was from a friend of a friend, and it read: >Hello..... And of course, this was NOT the thing missing in my life. But the best part was the end of this rotten e-mail: > Please do not
send it back to me as I have already received over fifty Oh? What’s that? You’ve received fifty thousand messages because people sent this e-mail back to you? That’s really interesting, because you’re doing THE SAME FUCKING THING TO ME! Who is this guy, Dr. Phil? - As if that weren’t enough, on my way home I was stuck behind some guy with a bumper sticker that read “Don’t Abandon Your Baby,” and wondered what mother-to-be drives up behind this guy in her trailer home, almost hits him trying to handle a 40, a smoke, and the road, and comes face to face with a realization. “Hey Bumper Sticker, you’re right! I’m going to keep this child and raise her to be just like her mommy.” This guy and his bumper sticker are actually doing more harm than good. Underneath that bumper sticker was another sticker with a number and a question. “How am I driving?” So I called him and told him I was given away as a child and adopted into an abusive relationship, and years later, when I found my real parents, they said they were fully capable of raising me, but were particularly vulnerable to suggestive bumper stickers. Then I gave him the middle finger and said, “Right here, buddy.” - That story is completely true. Except for the first sentence. That was a lie. - Actually, those last three sentences were a lie. - I was at car wash yesterday waiting for my bad ass ride to swing around the corner when I was distracted by the amazing sight of a black man in an oversized purple suede jumpsuit wearing a Viking helmet on his head (complete with horns), and a large clock around his neck. The car wash employees were pointing and chuckling at this man, and all I could think was, “Come on. Only Flavor Flav can pull off the clock around his neck.” Hours later, I found this picture on the internet...
It WAS Flavor Flav. He was wearing that exact same helmet at the car wash! This man LIVES his image. I mean, how does he wake up and decide, “Hmm, what should I cover my head with today? Baseball Cap? Dew rag? Hemp Beanie? Nah, I need something a little more pointy. Ohhh Shit, why didn’t I think of this in the first place! My viking helmet!” God bless you, Flavor. - While enjoying a Coors Original, I was treated to an “NFL Classic Trivia” sticker on the bottle. And who doesn’t like trivia, right?? Well, I don’t. Not after finding out what Coors’ definition of trivia is. It asked me, ‘Who do you think is the best NFL linebacker to have ever played the position?’ Underneath that, it says to get the answer at their website. First of all, that’s not trivia. That’s opinion! And secondly, how does the website already know what my opinion will be? They pull this same trick in movie theaters when they have ‘fun’ ‘trivia’ before the movie, and then it’s questions like, “Who is your favorite movie villain? A) The Terminator B) Hannibal Lecter C) Darth Vader” I mean, now they’re just limiting the options you have. I can’t wait for the day when movie theaters actually give me the correct answer to who my favorite villain is. That will make up for that half hour of commercials I have to watch. - I
had the privilege of witnessing a magnificent excuse from a young boy.
Here’s what he said: - In the news tonight, I heard these things consecutively spoken: A coach accused of rape said in a press conference that the girl was a terrible kicker who couldn’t get the ball through the uprights, and stay tuned to see how breast implants solved a murder mystery. I didn’t stay tuned, but I'm assuming the two are related. - Finally, I found a picture on the internet that would excite any fan of great music.
- And with that, I end with what could have been. But worry not, there's a quick answer to this. Grab your stereo and a friend who has a stereo, put the Downward Spiral on one and Lateralus on the other, and you get the idea. If you’re shocked to learn that Flavor Flav drives a poo-brown Mazda with torn up seats, Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com |
January 7th - Just Over a Week Into the New Year and Already...Cock Rings - So okay. It's a brand new year. I hope Santa Claus (or Jesus, depending on which lie you want to believe) was good to you. He certainly brought jolly times to us here at the Decking Crew. - I've been waiting months to be able to say someone has brought me jolly times without getting funny looks, or unfunny jokes about popcorn. - I'm also realizing that people might take my whole Santa-Jesus-Lie thing seriously. I hope I get mail. - While I do love Christmas and New Years, I'm also reminded of some other absolutely wretched "traditions" surrounding these great days off work. Of course, one of those traditions is returning to work. But with that also comes the necessity to talk to people. And since I get two weeks off, when you come back everyone wants to know how the holiday was. "Oooh how was your holiday? Have a nice time in, where did you go again? Oh, how lovely! I'm going nod my head as you continue, but really I'm thinking about that girl's ass behind you!" - I don't even ask people how their holiday was. Because I already know 32 other people have gotten to them, and I'm just gonna get the autopilot response. The whole problem with "How was your holiday?" is that it gives those people you only talk to for 12 seconds a week a chance to pretend you're best buddies. And there's a reason we only talk to those people for 12 seconds. - The other tradition that comes with the New Year is the idea of reinvention, and resolutions. Of course, everyone knows New Year's resolutions are phony attempts to make yourself a better person. I guarantee you will never hear someone in May say, "Come on man, you know I can't smoke any more crack. Part of my New Year's resolution!" Then again, if someone is saying that to you, you may need more than a New Year's resolution. - It's not often I feel uncomfortable, but I never thought I'd see the day when I'd hear a gay man ask, "Are you wearing a cock ring?" - No, he was not asking me. He was recounting his New Year's Eve. To give you an idea, the rest of the story involved a German man in leather and a sex sling. Feeling uncomfortable yet? - Not as uncomfortable as the German man. - Since I'm on the subject...Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Or QE for the SG as it's called by no one. Aren't we finished with these guys yet? Now, a statement like that might label me as homophobic, but it's quite the contrary. I think it's particularly offensive to gay people. I mean, what about that slob out there who has friends that are now asking him for advice on how to dress. Not all gay people are fashion-savvy. Now you're just inconveniencing this man to not be lazy. How dare you, Queer Eye. - Oh, and by the way, soon there will be a Straight Eye for the Queer Guy. This does not cancel things out. The reason there's a QE for the SG is because there already is Straight Eye for the Queer Guy. It's called being in the closet. Clearly they have a reason for coming out of it. You can't make them go back. - I don't know, am I done with my first post of the New Year? Nah. One last thing... - To the small child that was crying for four hours on the plane: Thank you for pissing off all those stiffs! It's a lot of fun to watch people get angry and say things like, "Either that kid's gonna kill me, or I'm gonna kill him!" And to the guy who said that: Thank you for not being me. If you made a resolution to write more emails, start with Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com |
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November 24th, 2003
– Midgets, Porn, Erections. Not in that order.
- The journal returns. How am I not in the graveyard?? - Now that we’re pounding the internet pavement at high speed, we’re updating a new video every Monday. Trying to diversify the site beyond my usual railings against all things stupid. Enjoy. - Lately I’ve been keeping up with my erectile dysfunction commercials, not so much because I’m interested in the product as it is IMPOSSIBLE to watch TV without catching one. My favorite is for some new, ambiguous miracle product known as Levitra. You can catch this one on a Sunday afternoon, as it caters to sports fans. You see, the middle-aged man in the commercial is out in his yard trying to throw a “football” through a “tire.” Unfortunately, he sucks, and can’t get it in the “hole.” His wife comes out to half-heartedly console his talent-less ass, when suddenly, Voice Over Man announces that there’s something new for men! After vaguely insinuating Levitra can shoot some spunk back into your life (yeah, pun totally intended), the man is now able to put the “ball” through the “hole.” And of course, now his wife is all over him. So not only does Levitra make your wife love you, but it also gives you better passing accuracy. Herein lies some of the sloppiest, blatant sexual references in a commercial. They might as well just come out and say, “Jim can’t get throw the ball through the tire. Get it? The ball represents his flaccid penis! He can’t get it in the hole! Football fans are stupid, but if we talk about erectile problems while a man misses a tire with a football, they may catch on!” Nevermind the fact that Levitra is a sponsor of the NFL. Just because you’re a sponsor doesn’t mean you have to relate your product to football. Personally, I think this jerk should spend less time tossing a ball at a tire and more time paying attention to his hot wife. What’s the tire doing there anyway? Obviously they don’t have kids. - How would you feel if you were an actor and you just won an audition for a commercial that will air to millions and millions of people...But to those millions of people, you represent impotence? That’s a career advancer. - I’m really disappointed in the lack of effort from junk mail lately. I thought the purpose of Spam mail was for people to want to open the mail and click on the link inside. It just seems to me like they’re getting lazy anymore. I get spam mail that doesn’t even make sense, with subject headings like, “agpohrh nvaneiigh Yanni casserole ajhgd” Wow. You guys really sold me there. You know, I actually don’t mind a good piece of junk mail if some effort’s put into it. It shows that they’re serious about their craft, even if you are just going to leave their porn site once you find out it’s not free. Step it up, porn peddlers! - As you can see, during my hiatus I refused to find good taste. - I’ve really reached a serious crossroads in my life. For years, I have been able to find the humor and respect in midgets. Midget is a word I used to toss around frequently. But now, I am up against a trident of complications. First, midget jokes have become boring. They used to be a standby, always good for a laugh. Now, thanks to the Man Show and probably MTV (since it’s so easy to blame things on them) midgets have lost their punch. Secondly, midgets are becoming more respected, thanks to movies such as the Station Agent. And finally, I just moved next door to a midget. At first I was ecstatic. I finally get to have a midget friend! Unfortunately, in midget circles, the word midget is highly unacceptable. The word midget is actually offensive. So it may be time I retire the word midget, since it has essentially lost all value anyway. This is a sad day indeed, normal-sized readers. - I have a superhero question for any nerds out there. Why does Clark Kent hold a job at the Daily Planet? Does he just love journalism, and is cursed with the powers of flight and incredible strength? Seems to me with those powers you can circumvent the print media and get people to listen to you directly. - You know what, maybe Clark's just really insecure with the ladies, and figured the only way to keep an eye on Lois Lane was to stalk her. But in order to do that without getting caught, he had to get a job there. Clark, don't be insecure. You're Superman, dude. - On the comeback trail. There's more, so come back later. - If you can't believe it's taken over a month for me just to post this crap, yell at Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com |
October
13th, 2003 - Live Journals Suck
- Time for some bullshit. - I hate the fact that this section references “Journals.”
It makes me think of live journals, which are mostly self-absorbed,
hypocritical, and wholly unfunny. The people who use those things to
express their most personal thoughts are assholes, trying to make their
ex-boyfriend jealous, or talking about how depressed they are, using
that sympathy to get a boyfriend, only to break up with him and write
about it on their live journal. - I was at 7 11 last week, buying an Icee bigger than my face. There
was a man in front of me with long, graying hair, and it was obvious
he was flirting with the cashier. She was smiling, and he was cracking
some sort of joke, and all I wanted to do was get a brain freeze. Before
he left, she asked him, "Where are you from?" To which he
replied, "I'm from wherever I end up." How vagabond of him.
She seemed to enjoy his answer though, and gave him a smile. As she
turned to assist me, he stopped and turned around, still smiling. It
was one of those situations where he thought the conversation was continuing
because of he thought of a better answer to her question. He then leaned
in over the counter and whispered, "I'm from hell." Then started
laughing. She did not find it funny. - Normally dumpsters aren’t a hot spot for conversation, but when I was dropping off some trash yesterday, I encountered a disproportioned man, just chillin. By disproportioned, I mean this guy had the legs of Yao Ming and the torso of Spud Webb. Anyway, as I’m holding my breath so I don’t have to smell the dumpster, this guy stops me and says, “I was just thinking of something.” Uhh, are you talking to me? Naturally, since we’re standing by the dumpster, I think he’s gonna bust out some statistic about the amount of trash in America, or that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to live off some of the garbage people throw away. Instead he says, “Why is it that in Ancient Japan, everyone was so nice and said please and thank you? Because in Ancient Japan if you weren’t nice, they’d cut your head off!” Then he walked away. I need to move. - By the way, basketball references are hilarious. - I heard a rumor that Episode III might be titled, “Revenge of the Sith.” Now this makes complete sense, because the last two Star Wars subtitles had nothing to do with their respective movies either! Revenge of the Sith?? What are they revenging against? Besides, we know they’re going to win! They might as well just call it “The Sith Chalk Up a W” - Star Wars jokes are also instant comedy. - I am shocked that people continue to strap their cars with the American
flag. Nothing says patriotism like whipping our country’s symbol
through the elements at 60 miles per hour, tearing it to shreds. Go
America! Yeah! If your
live journal has entries like, “Today I had some Life cereal,
which reminded me of Brian and the way he loved life. But now he hates
me and thinks that bitch Marcy is hotter than me.. I still love you
Brian, and I miss you.” Then email Silentguerrs@aol.com
so that I may exact swift vengeance, Japanese steel-style. |
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September 29th, 2003
- Looming
- These journals have slowly become few and far between, mostly because life has been fairly good to me. Aside from a run-in with some rotten hippies, things are looking up. But of course, it’s me we’re talking about, so I can already feel the credits to "Time to Fuck Up Steve’s Life" beginning to roll. Bring it. - I was at the Outback earlier this week, and for some forsaken reason, I continue to get the same inept waiter whenever I walk in there. His name is Juan Carlos, and he’s one of those jerks who gets down to your level when you’re ordering. Like he’s your pal. He’ll sit in the booth next to you and make hilarious jokes like, "Oh. No. We’re all out of water. Harf harf harf." I already have friends sitting with me, dude. Being a phony won’t increase your tips. It’s complete bull, because if this guy really wanted to be my friend, he wouldn’t be taking a half hour to get me a refill on my large beer. Look buddy, I don’t want to be pals, so stand up, get your ass to the bar and push the tap, because it’s the only way to stop your tip from hemorrhaging. Take that, Juan Carlos! - The completely unhip old woman I spoke of in a previous journal was listening to someone tell a story about going to see the Chargers play. And she completely flipped my image of her with one line: "I’m sorry, what are the Chargers?" And of course, by flipping my image, I meant she solidified all preconceptions. - There are actually people out there who are counting down the day when the Olsen twins are finally legal. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this at all. And of course by nothing wrong with this, I mean, my cousin is one of them. - And by my cousin being one of them, I mean he’s bordering enrollment in the same pederclass as Victor Salva and Jeffrey Jones. Ugh - I’m curious if there’s anyone out there who has moved to Los Angeles and actually had their life go exactly as planned. - While standing in line for the movies yesterday, my roommate and I watched as a man got in line wearing a black T shirt with block letters reading I HATE THE GOVERNMENT. Moments later, another man got in line behind him wearing a red T shirt that read REGISTER TO VOTE. And with that, the first debate through T Shirts began. - If anyone knows any good reason why or how Doug Stanhope is on television, except to show that there are less talented people out there than Adam Corolla, let me know. - Here’s a tip. Don’t ever tell anyone you’re a writer when they ask you what you do. The next person who tells me to "just keep writing" after I tell them I’m a writer gets a face full of paper cuts. Great advice. A writer must keep writing? No shit! What do you do? Actor? Welp, just keep acting like an asshole. - By the way, anyone going to a Radiohead concert mainly to hear electronic beeps will be disappointed. All hail this generation's Pink Floyd. My T Shirt
reads “DON CHEADLE RULES!” Try and win that debate by emailing
Silentguerrs@aol.com |
September
5th, 2003 – 12 Year Olds, Dude.
- Where the hell have I been? Who cares, I’m back! - I met a convicted child molester this weekend! Now, I know you’re all saying, ‘Wow, your first convicted molester… Always the most exciting!” Sadly, this information was unbeknownst to me at the time, so it wasn’t as exhilarating as it could have been. Let’s see how it happened: Last week I got
a phone call from my roommate, who had me write down an address and
a date and time for this weekend. At the time I didn’t know why,
but I would find out on Saturday at 2 PM in Burbank.
St.
Petersburg Times September 01, 2000, Friday, South Pinellas Edition
Pg. 5B OCALA
— School board members are upset they weren't told that a movie
director who is making a low-budget horror film near two Marion County
schools was a convicted child molester. When they approved the contract, board members weren't told that Salva was a convicted child molester who once videotaped himself having oral sex with a 12-year-old actor in California. One question: HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY STILL DIRECT MOVIES?!?! I guess, if anything, this gives me hope. And it should send a clear message to anyone out there reading too. Go ahead, molest children! You may go on to have a number 1 movie one day. And hey, if you’re really good, and from Poland, you can even win and Oscar! - So how do you clear your head after touching the hand of a man who used that same hand to go to jail? Well, there’s only one way. Finding a Saved By the Bell Marathon on TV. Labor Day is my new favorite holiday. - Just to let you know how the rest of my day is going... The women on the other side of the cubicle are talking about yeast infections. Extremely candidly. Extremely. I'm pretty sure I heard mention of, "well, I'm sorry, but I used to live in Florida, and it's wet in Florida!" She decided to go into further detail involving underpants, but instead of typing it out, I think I’ll just vomit into a cup so I have something less gross to pay attention to. - Is it wrong to schedule your lunch hour around ESPN programming? - I was driving behind some jerkface with a license plate holder that read “I don’t drive faster than my guardian angel.” I need to point something out here. Let’s just say you’ve got a badass guardian angel, which is highly improbable, seeing as any enlightened angel would have ditched you for having that license plate holder. But for the sake of argument, let’s say your kick ass guardian angel holds the capability of a peregrine falcon, the world’s fastest bird. They can reach speeds up to 200 miles per hour. What’s up now? You can’t match that in your Escort! Next time use some common sense and follow the rules of man, not some imaginary flying apparition. - Just as a final note, I’d like to let a scene I witnessed comment on the state of our world. When I saw Open Range a few weeks ago with a packed audience, there is a scene in the movie where Kevin Costner’s camp gets ambushed. In the process we learn that one of his companions is shot and killed. The audience discovers this along with Costner and is silent, no doubt taking in the sadness and impact of a human death. Seconds later, Costner takes a few more steps through the camp and comes across his dog, lying motionless. As soon as the audience realizes the dog is dead, they let out a very real, very gushy collective sigh. Priorities. I hate people so much. - If
you ‘know’ Victor Salva, Bible-style, email child services,
not Silentguerrs@aol.com
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August 19th, 2003 -
Guns Blazing
- I have stayed silent long enough. It's time to address someone else's journal, which directs severe allegations towards me. Brad threw some trash talk my way regarding some stupid incident a few weeks back. Allow me to retort. - First of all...
Dude, confidant? What are we, the Golden Girls? - You then go on to accuse me of stealing your seat. Which I'm proud
of. It
A wholly inaccurate depiction of the events that transpired. You claimed
that these girls needed saving. From where I was sitting, all I saw
were two girls and two dudes. The one dude was caressing the girl's
chin as he talked into her ear. I'm sure there's an unwritten rule about
approaching two girls who are currently engaged in physical contact
with the opposite sex.
- If that weren't proof enough... - Later in the week, the same very old lady decided that for the company talent show, the girls in the office should go up as the spice girls. Nevermind the disturbing fact that my company actually has a talent show. These girls had a five-minute debate over which Spice Girl they would be. What? The spice girls? Why does anyone waste a part of their brain remembering the spice girls? They¹re so irrelevant right now that I'm almost prompted to say that they¹re relevant again, but will refrain because then I would actually have a quote on the site saying the spice girls are relevant. - Just in case anyone didn't know, dropping your phone in the toilet
because - We are in the process of moving our server, so the site was down for most of the weekend. Once everything's switched, pages will load faster and videos will download quicker, but Dave's journal will still not write itself. Be on the lookout for more videos in the coming weeks, a resource that has barely been tapped. - A lot of people were deeply touched by my last Meat article. They feel it should be made into a chain e-mail, with the instruction that people must send it on lest they befall a severely grotesque death involving an angry farmer, an aviation wrench, and twisted genitals. That'll teach them to disregard bullshit junk e-mail thinly veiled as inspirational messages. - And with that, an amendment to my last meat. If you are so insecure
that you are pissing 30 people off by emailing them a chain letter so
your crush will notice you... Then fuck you, too! - Having seen Open Range, I must say never in my life would I hear
this line spoken seriously: "Boy, the Boss sure can cowboy, can't
he?" And I must say - Having also just admitted that I've seen a Kevin Costner movie in the theater, I can almost hear all the hilarious Waterworld/Postman/ /Message in a Bottle jokes pouring in. Well, I've got one word for you. Dragonfly. - Shit, no. Not Dragonfly. Okay...I've got 5 words for you. For Love
of The - This just isn't working out. You know what, leave Kevin Costner alone! Perhaps you forgot about Tin Cup and Field of Dreams and Untouchables and JFK and Robin Hood and Bull Durham! Yeah, that's right. Stop riding Costner and let him make hismovies, because he is a talented actor, a fine director and...Dammit, I just remembered 3000 Miles to Graceland. Forget it. - If you
are Kevin Costner and you're reading this, email Silentguerrs@aol.com,
and don't be sad. The gunfight in Open Range kicked wholesale-quantity
ass. |
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August 4th - Murdering
Morons
- Ah yes, journal time. Sure, it's not as juicy as the Meat, but it's still got bite. - I’ve been following this Baylor basketball murder case with some interest over the past few weeks. I read an article from the AP that has a jailhouse interview with Carlton Dotson, the man accused of killing Patrick Dennehy. As I read, a few choice quotes sort of stood out to me. Here’s the first one… “Dotson said his life has been threatened and
that he has been hearing voices And… “The newspaper said Dotson also related a confusing story about meeting someone in Texas named Roman who told him he would be able to do miraculous things. At the end of the 10-minute session, Dotson asked for prayers.”
“Irvin criticized the media, saying, "Until they get some hard facts, I think it's journalistically irresponsible to report inferences. The media is supposed to report the news, not make the news, and that's what the media is doing in an effort to be first." Hey Irvin, your client just said he hears voices in his head and meets prophesizing Texans. No inferences there, buddy. That’s rock fuckin solid. - If you’re dating a woman whose kids are closer in age to you than she is…You’ve probably got a situation on your hands. Just a thought. - I hope in my life I never willingly find out what a sconce is. - Everyone reading this needs to take a Sunday afternoon to sit down, flip through the channels and find the Miracle Blade III infomercial with Chef Tony. The man is a showman. Just wait until you see him slice a tomato and present it with effortless grace and skill. Or watch as he shows you how to slice bread so you aren’t squishing little bread sticks for your family. And trust me, Chef Tony will catch you if you are guilty of that. If my dad didn’t look exactly like Chef Tony, I might look up to him as a father figure. - I guess that’s only funny if you’ve A) seen Chef Tony, or B) seen my dad. - I used to have an ongoing game with my friends where we would point out people who looked like celebrities. The game kind of loses its fun when you go to do that, and it’s the actual celebrity. - I bet you thought there was going to be a story to that one. Yeah, it’s a good one. - Isn’t it kind of redundant to have these Where Are They Now shows? I mean, if we wanted to know where they were, they would still be in the spotlight. I know I don’t give a shit what happened to Mrs. Garrett. - Fuck this, I’m done. If you hear
voices that tell you “The Decking Crew will rock you like a running
ceiling fan to the face” Believe every word and email Silentguerrs@aol.com |
July 22nd, 2003 – Damage Control
- BIG things happening on and off the site. Rumor has it there's a new Crew member looming on the front. And this one busts out posts regularly! More on that as it progresses. - Fellow Decking Crew member Brad Shaffer is currently on his way across the country. Soon we shall be joining forces to create a bigger, faster, more handsome site. - Another Crew member is in jeopardy of being ousted because he has contributed a total of 23 sentences. If you can guess who it is, I won’t give you anything, because it’s obvious. - Okay, now back to unimportant stuff… - A lot of people wonder what happened to Alex Winter, but I say...The guy did Lost Boys and 2 Bill and Ted movies, there's no other rung on the ladder! - If you keep sending me messages through billboards, I'll assume you are actually the devil trying to trick me with cheap pandering, and do the complete opposite of what you request. - I went to a restaurant last week called the New Town Super Buffet. As a buffet aficionado, I was a little reluctant. You've gotta have balls to put the word Super in the name of your restaurant. I don't know so much about the New Town thing, but since it was a Chinese restaurant I assumed something was lost in the translation. Regardless, this place lived up to every single letter of its title. Rows and rows of endless food, like the fishes and loaves of Jesus without the eloquent, all-knowing wisdom. Unless you consider my fortune cookie message: You will make many changes before setting satisfactorily. - I bet Jesus never had a problem with translation. -Speaking of overinuldgence, there’s a gentleman’s club out here that also offers a buffet! Aside from the obvious health risks of eating buckets of greasy food around naked women with high heels, there’s a conflict of interest. I don't know about you, but I'd be completely torn between getting a plate of chicken wings, and putting a dollar in a single mom’s g-string, knowing she’ll be buying diapers with that dollar later on. Actually, there’s no contest. If you need me, I’ll be at the buffet. - My most favorite news headline in history was created this past week. - I think I’d like to have minions, but I’m not sure what the protocol is for that. Do I have to be inherently evil? Is there a lot of paperwork? Are minions paid full time, and do I offer them benefits? Maybe I should just pick up some goons. They probably work cheap. - South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut was aired on Comedy Central UNEDITED! I never thought the day would come when I could hear the words 'Barbara Streisand' on television. Everyone rejoice. - The alternate to that one was, "I never thought the day would come when I could hear the words 'donkey raping shit eater' on television." See? See how Barbara Streisand is funny?? Because there's so many swear words in that movie, but I picked a person's name instead! Hilarious. - Explaining a joke is also hilarious. - Look at me, I'm so self-aware. If you are so excited about the changes on the site that you about peed all over yourself, clean up, and email Silentguerrs@aol.com. Oh, and if you were running at the time, bonus points to you. |
July
7th - Epiphany!
- In my previous journal, I posed a question that was nagging me for weeks. Can you run and pee at the same time? While I got a semi-answer from MSJ on the message board, my hunger for this knowledge nugget wasn't quelled. Until now. Read on...
- Thanks Jon, I am now able to sleep at night...Though given the choice between relieving myself and winning a race...Well, I wouldn't be in a race because I don't believe in running unless there's a naked lady holding a large beer at the end. - I guess I still believe in cheap pops, or else I would have come up with something more clever than a naked lady holding a large beer. I've become Adam Corolla. If you are a naked
lady holding a large beer, put it down and email Silentguerrs@aol.com |
| The 1st of July. Anger Management. - Over the past
few weeks, I've had my car window broken, my car stereo - Getting ready
for work, I got a phone call. Now, it's usually a safe bet - Does anyone know
if it's possible to run and pee at the same time? - In my apartment
the other day, I passed a man struggling to take his - I fulfilled my
dream of being able to order simply a 'beer' like Patrick - A man wielding
a sword and a beret walked into a grocery store and This comes from
his sister, who says he was mistreated his whole life. - You know that
feeling when your hand falls asleep, and you know you have - I'm supposed to
be standing in front of people tonight and doing comedy - Right now you're
wondering, "How the hell could you spell cat wrong...and If you're now realizing
why I hate when people misspell words, let me know |
June
17th, 2003
- Finally, I have
returned to my journal. With nothing to say. Except - 'Oh man, Charlie's
Angels 2 comes out pretty soon. I can't wait! And - 'Dude, the new
Train CD rocks! It totally drops Drops of Jupiter on - 'I miss the 80's.' - Those were things
a stupid person would say. If you agreed with any of - Recently I saw
a 5-year-old wearing a Marlboro baseball cap, no doubt - I was rockin some
late night PBS, when I came across a cartoon version - My life-long journey
towards creating the greatest restaurant name ever - I could have gotten
through a hot dog story without the obligatory wiener - Speaking of wieners,
it seems Papoo actually has some competition - A live action
Transformers movie is in the works. Is this really - I've been bowling
the past few weeks, but every time I go, I seem to catch If you think you
have a better name than Papoo's Hot Dog Show, email |
|
May 19th, 2003
-- I went to Las Vegas this weekend to meet with one of my best friends.
He -- While in Vegas, I was turned away from a club in MGM because I was -- Maybe I should have put a glow stick in my mouth and told them I
know -- The Matrix made so much money this weekend, but I guarantee after
my -- While driving home, I passed Baker, California, whose claim to fame
is -- I'm now realizing that thermometers aren't funny unless you tell
a story -- Last weekend, in one night I saw a car smash into a fire hydrant,
two -- Let's guess how long Coldplay can ride this wave of pseudo-epic
piano -- Oh, if anyone's looking for Starship, they're performing in a fifth-rate -- There's a commercial on TV for an adult video store in which a couple
is -- In my previous journal, I made reference to a special lady giving
me -- I went to visit a sick friend who was staying with his grandma last -- Hmm. Maybe I should have just left that one alone.
|
May 6th – Gutterball Edition - We cracked 1000 visitors on the website, then we passed 1100, 1200, 1300, and 1400…All thanks to the decision to have some crafty advertising. Of course, the good thing about this site is that we aren’t here to make money, nor are we selling any sort of merchandise (not until we reach sell-out status, which I think is around 2 million visitors). We’re simply here to entertain, and if you like to be entertained without being hassled by pop-up windows with empty promises of free sexy photos, or dumbass billboards that flash and make stupid noises, then you’ve come to the right place. -
I saw an old lady walking down the street the other day. She was pretty
far away, but I was pretty sure she reached back and grabbed hold
of her ass. As I got closer, I was -
I wonder if any of the girls that have indeed gone wild are a little
offended that their soft parts are going for so cheap. Here's a little
math problem...Let's say there are a total of 391 boobs in an episode
of GGW (the cool way of saying Girls Gone Wild). Now, since you get
two episodes for $9.99, that means one episode is worth 4.99. Dividing
the amount of skin chandeliers into the amount of an episode, we find
that one breast is worth about 1 cent. A boob for a penny! Can you
believe it?? How can any country - A good way to avoid conflict would be to drop every episode of Girls Gone Wild over the foreign countries that hate us. I challenge anyone to get angry while watching that chest menagerie. - Well, I’ve already talked about an old lady’s butt and supple female frontals. How can I possibly work my way out of this one? By talking about video games, that’s how! - I’ve been on a Tiger Woods 2003 binge for the past 5 days. It’s near impossible to stop playing, except when I need to document my obsession on this website. Will you people leave me alone, I’ve got a skins game to play! - I love video games so much. The only thing better than playing video games is playing video games outside. - The only thing better than playing video games outside is playing video games outside while being pleasured by a special lady. - And once again, we’re in the gutter. - I’m really glad I didn’t meet my girlfriend in a bar during some drunken binge. That way, when I have kids one day and they asked how we met, we don’t have to say, “Well, it all started when mommy had too many shots of tequila, and accidentally vomited all over daddy’s shiny new shirt. So she felt really bad and went home with him, because he was kinda cute, and mommy’s roommate was already bringing someone home, so mommy had to find a place to stay. But the funny part about it, kids, is that mommy didn’t realize until later that daddy was intentionally feeding her the shots of tequila so he could pass her off to his hideous roommate as revenge for mommy telling everyone he had a small wiener! But he decided to get revenge by getting mommy pregnant instead. And now here we are! It’s okay to cry, it’s a lovely story. I love you kids.” - In case you’ve forgotten, pop in Pearl Jam’s Vitalogy sometime and remember how great that CD is. - In case you’ve forgotten, pop in a Limp Bizkit CD and remember how hard they rock out to remakes of George Michael songs. - Ha! That was a trick! If you even have the ability to pop in a Limp Bizkit CD, you should be completely ashamed of yourself. - Did anyone else just get fed up with their Rubix Cube and switch the stickers when no one was looking? - Ha! That was a trick! If you switched the stickers, consider yourself a failure! - I’m a failure. - Okay, I’m feeling a little better. I may have salvaged this post from being complete wrought with cheap pops about sex and old ladies. I’m climbing the high road. - Tits. If
you’re wondering why I’m such a dirty, dirty man today,
let me know at Silentguerrs@aol.com
and I’ll waste my time explaining the absurdity of Girls Gone
Wild and how it relates to the writing style I used today. Peace! |
April 28th, 2003 - Journal time. Fun time. Well, normally. Who knows what’ll happen today… - The next time you see Adam Corolla on TV, notice how:
- My life is nearing completion. I finally found Rocky IV on DVD, the ultimate montage movie. This movie is so defined by its montage sequences that they named 4 chapters after the songs that play during the scene. After doing extensive research, I found that they only filmed 12 minutes of original footage for that installment. The rest is culled from the past 3 films and set to great 80’s music. - Speaking of the music, I believe I have found the inspiration for Trey Parker’s singing style. Take a listen to No Easy Way Out, the similarities are uncanny. -There’s been
a heated debate raging for years now. It concerns this audio clip: “Sycophant erasers pierce the wooden skin of the apple, whose core is a foul tickle upon the throats of the weary.” Properly translated,
that means: “Dude, we’re Radiohead. We don’t even
know what the fuck we’re saying, but people still call us geniuses!” - In an attempt
to boost posts by the other members of the Decking Crew, I will now
make fun of them all. Man, I hope that works. I’m totally carrying the load to get the website over. And God knows, that’s not working. But trust me, we’re going over no matter what. No matter what. - If you think the
website is at least more over than Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s former
WCW angle as a janitor, then let Silentguerrs@aol.com
know about it. |
April 23rd, 2003 - I opened my new
car insurance bill today to find that the price has dropped. I got - Let’s get something straight: Heathcliff has nothing on Garfield. That second-rate junkyard pussy dances in Garfield’s shadow hoping tiny, dumb children will confuse him with the Master so he can steal ratings. Anyone who thinks otherwise probably enjoyed the Go-Bots as well. I feel an article coming on… - I saw the Foo Fighters live a few weeks ago on Jimmy Kimmel. Being about 5 feet from them reaffirmed my belief in Dave Grohl as a rock God. Not only is he an ass-kicking drummer for Nirvana, Tenacious D, and the Queens of the Fuckin Stone Age, but he could possibly have the coolest guitar ever made. If I were a gay woman, Dave Grohl would be the Holden who turns me straight. - Get it. Holden McNeil? Yes? No? Whatever. - If you’ve ever thought back to the origins of last names, did you ever come across the name Dickinson and wonder…What exactly was that guy caught doing to deserve that name? - I was told my desk would be moving at work last week. At first I was pleased, because I was working off a nightstand that barely fit my computer, scanner, keyboard and mouse. Whenever I was typing something referenced from paper, I had to cross my legs so I had somewhere to put the document. And it was sandwiched between a wall of shelves and a big, comfortable leather couch. So when I heard of the move, I thought they were being sympathetic and upgrading me to a nicer desk. Of course, it wasn’t until hours later that I remembered a crucial part of the demand. It went something like this: “So, Steve, you’ll be moving your desk in the hallway so we can free up that shelf space behind you.” Hey, great! Lots of people work out in the hallwa..wait a second. Shelf space? Let this be a lesson kids and future business owners: Tape Storage is more important than a production assistant. - I don't care if you're gay or not, tying a sweater around your neck is a horrible decision. - Does anyone else think that Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow song sounds eerily similar to the Golden Girls' Theme? - A friend just reminded me of the band Third Eye Blind. Upon hearing this name, I was flashed back a few years ago, when I went to a Third Eye Blind concert ONLY BECAUSE Our Lady Peace was opening for them. Don’t get me started on how much of a travesty that is. Needless to say, Our Lady Peace rocked through great songs from Naveed and Clumsy. Then Third Eye Blind came out and proceeded to suck for an hour before running out of material. They are, without a shadow of a doubt, the absolute worst band I have ever seen live. And if that wasn’t enough to make me hate them, a year or two after the concert, I saw the dickhead lead singer on an MTV Cover Band Competition show. He was a judge, and decided that, instead of showing true respect for these bands and judging them based on their talent, he would give them all a 10. His reasoning behind it was, “I just think it’s wonderful that you’re all making music. You all deserve 10’s.” Ahhh! Bullshit encouragement like that is the reason wuss-rock bands like Third Eye Blind continue to exist. When a band sucks, they need to be told about it. - Third Eye Blind, you suck. - Matchbox 20, you suck. - Limp Bizkit, holy shit you suck! - Creed, how many times can you release the same shallow song? You suck. - Incubus, you’re tickling the chin of suck. Please write better lyrics and get rid of the DJ guy, he’s useless. - There are so many more, but my head is starting to cave in on itself. I must submerse myself in the Tool catalog to cleanse these horrible groups from my mind. If you happen to
enjoy Heathcliff, Scott Stapp, or tie sweaters anywhere on your body,
don’t tell it to Silentguerrs@aol.com,
and I will have a good week. |
March 30th, 2003 - The most recent public opinion poll was just released and I have a theory. 78% of the people in America support the war, and the other 22% make Bringin Down the House and Kangaroo Jack #1 at the box office. - Now that Bringin Down the House was number 1 for a few weeks, they changed the commercials so the announcer says, “Now in theaters, boo.” Upon hearing this, I gave myself a paper cut on my eyeball so I could forget the bleeding in my ears. - I just saw a billboard for a sausage company with a guy saying, “Everyone has a passion. Mine is fresh sausage.” I bet the advertisers were chuckling when they slipped that one past the old men who run the sausage company. - I was watching the news, because I like to get my dose of comedy for the day, and I saw a segment on a protest for some old tree. All these hippie protesters were making a big deal about how it was getting cut down. One fuck even stayed in the tree for two and a half months…Maybe not because he wanted to save the tree so much as he didn’t have anywhere to live. Anyway, as these useless activists were mugging for the camera, they held up blueprints pointing out a gas line that might be severed if the tree is cut down. Hilarious as hippies are, they probably didn’t realize it took more trees to make those blueprints than the petrified wood they were trying to save. They were so much better when they did acid and stared at their tapestries. Then again, I’ve never seen a real hippie, just these fake bastards looking for an excuse to be lazy. I guess that’s why they’re now living in trees. - A lot of people have expressed anger about my views on Star Wars. Just goes to show there are bigger nerds out there than I. - It’s comforting to know that if you’re ever faced with a crippling bathroom emergency outside your home turf, California bathrooms are all stocked with disposable toilet seat covers. - I was at a party last week, and told a girl that I was from Ohio. Her response was, “You’re from Ohio?? But it’s so flat!” I have no idea what that meant or how I was supposed to respond. I didn’t realize the terrain of a state dictated personality. - She was from Michigan. - On principle, I must now die laughing every time I see Dustin Hoffman. If you saw the Grammy Awards a month ago, you know why. If you didn’t, you missed someone who has lost all touch with reality and humility. When introducing No Doubt, he said something to the effect of, “Now, I practiced this with my daughters all week so I wouldn’t embarrass them. (he sings this next part while making an attempt to raise the roof) Say Baby, say baby, hey! Girls say, girls say…It’s No Doubt!” Oh, Dusty, first you do Mad City and Sphere, and now this train wreck. From now on, Dustin Hoffman = instant comedy. - If you thought
you've already seen Bringin Down the House when it was called |
|
March 10th, 2003
- I wonder if Trent Reznor has to hire people to constantly piss him off so he has material to write about. I can’t imagine a guy continually hanging out with people who repeatedly make him sad, then angry, then sad again. Maybe he needs some new friends. - I think I may have inadvertently hired some people to constantly make me angry. That would explain a lot. - I saw a guy walking down the street, giving the finger to all the cars stopped at the light, for no particular reason…Except that he was homeless, crazy, and really, really mad. I liked that guy. I just hope I don’t end up like him. - I hope I never use the phrase “Still be my heart.” I may just hire someone to follow me around and beat me if I ever use those words together in a sentence. - That’s a little ridiculous, but sometimes you have to protect yourself from awful sayings. - Over the weekend, I went to a party and partied way too much. It reminded me of the one reason I’m glad I’m no longer in college. I feel like shit. - Last week, on my way back to work, I looked up in the sky and saw 8 helicopters and 2 planes (yeah, I counted) floating around. When I walked into work, I found out there was a car chase happening. I remember getting excited back home when we saw one helicopter flying through the neighborhood once every couple months! Now I can look out my window any given moment and see a copter hanging out. Man, Airwolf was a good show. - I’m done for now. They can’t all be winners. If you’d like
to be hired to make me angry, send a cover letter and resume to Silentguerrs@aol.com |
|
March 3rd, 2003
- Over the weekend, I had the privilege of coming across one of the greatest business ventures of all time. I found a stereo and alarm installation shop that ALSO had topless live dancing! These people are marketing geniuses. Come in for the sound system, stay for the lap dance! - Businesses all across the country are considering this combination of live entertainment and sales. It will be looked at as the best duo since they opened those combo Taco Bell/KFC restaurants. - I don’t think people who blow their nose and look at it are fucked up…They’re just curious. - I saw Coolio last Friday walking around, with his crazy hair. Does that guy still make music, or is he still basking in the glory of his Celebrity Boot Camp victory? - I can’t believe I know that Coolio was the victor of Celebrity Boot Camp. - I also can’t believe I have enough respect for Celebrity Boot Camp to capitalize it. - Lionel Richie and Rob Zombie are collectively releasing a new version of Brickhouse. Nothing makes me happier than to see Lionel back in the spotlight. Man, I wish I were the guy who took this picture. Cuz, you know, I’d get to hang out with Lionel Richie.
- I ate at a buffet
restaurant yesterday. I can’t help but get flustered seeing so
much food at my disposal. When I purchased my meal, the cashier said,
“Enjoy your meal.” In my excitement, I responded with, “Thanks,
you too. No, wait. Not you too. Just me.” I claim no responsibility
for my actions at such a carnival of gluttony. - There’s a home-challenged guy in a jean jacket that sleeps in the hallway of our apartment complex. I’m convinced he’s the Killer Bob from Twin Peaks until proven otherwise. - I got cable this weekend, furthering my advances of becoming a shut-in. It’s always an awkward time when the cable guy comes, and all I can do is sit there. I feel like I should be doing something to help, or maybe make small-talk about the cable industry. I guess I could have done what my friend Bobby did once, and ask him if he wanted to smoke weed with me. I guess I’d have to actually have the sweetweed to do that. Oh well. - I got nothing. See ya later. If you have some
weed to sell, email it to Silentguerrs@aol.com
|
February 24th, 2003 - I experienced a life-changing moment a few days ago. I had an Icee...In a movie theater! Never before did I think the concept of the Icee could get any better than it already is. Until I was able to roam freely among the movie theater, seeing that Icee Bear Mascot smiling back at me. It’s all downhill from here. - For Christmas I got Monopoly: The Simpsons style. It was a great present, but also a sad reminder that I don’t even have enough friends out here to play it. - While I was at work, I was getting some refreshing water from the cooler, when into the kitchen walks a girl who works down the hall. We exchange glances and go about our business of ignoring each other. Then, out of nowhere, she tells me she had a dream. Mind you, I've said a total of 17 words to her in the 5 months I've worked here. Anyway, she said in her dream, there were a bunch of people from our workplace at a party, and I was there too. I was on the outskirts of the party, just chillin...Sounds about right to me. But then, they came to find out that I was actually in the singing boy sensation 98 Degrees. So she came up to me, in her dream, and asked me why I was still working if I was in 98 Degrees, to which I replied "Everyone has a dream." And then it was over. First of all, when a near-stranger relays something like this to you, how are you supposed to react? I told her I didn’t know what to tell her. The other thing that concerned me was that even in someone else's dreams, I'm mistaken for a boy band member. What the hell is going on? - California has a lot of crispy trees. - I saw a preview for some movie that Jamie Kennedy is doing where he plays a white rapper and his dad hires actors to “scare the black out of him.” I’ve always been mad at Jamie Kennedy, but never really had a reason for it. Finally, that can change. - I got this thing in the mail telling me that I could earn 75 dollars for giving my opinions on cars. Apparently I’m of a select group and can have an impact on future vehicles. I was tempted to send in the little questionnaire until I saw that I would be giving them 2 and a half to 3 hours of my time! Up to 3 hours giving my opinions on a car? I don’t think I could talk for more than 10 minutes about my car. What happens after that? I would feel pressure to be knowledgeable, as I can likely shape the future of automobiles. As much as I need the money, that’s too heavy a burden on my shoulders. - These journal entries are ridiculously long. If I didn’t know me, I wouldn’t read all this crap. - I’m looking at a bottle of PowerAde, which states that its formula is engineered to meet my hydration and energy needs head on. I didn’t think my hydration and energy needs were such hard-asses that they had to be taken down head on. I would think only mere sidling would be required. - Then again, I’m not a beverage scientist. - My roommate bought the new Johnny Cash CD, with his cover of “Hurt.” This cover makes the original version sound like a jolly tune from a Be-Bop band. - Be-Bop is a great word. - Alright, I’ve had enough. I’m sure you have too. If
you’d like to be my friend so I can enjoy my Christmas presents,
let me know at Silentguerrs@aol.com |
February 19th - Well, here we are. The web site is up. It’s been about 3 years since I’ve last had a nook in the World Wide Web. That means absolutely nothing to anyone reading this, I just wanted to work nook into a sentence. - A few weeks ago I was driving down the street and I noticed a sign that read “ABC Donut Chinese Food.” I don’t know what that means. - You know what I think would be funny? Seeing an old lady stepping in dog poo. Not just because old ladies are funny, but because she may not notice, but somebody will. - Foot tattoos are extremely stupid. It’s a foot. It won’t look any better. Deal with it. - Something I find absolutely outlandish is when a man walks down the street with his arm around his girlfriend’s shoulder like he’s in a movie theater. Except that they’re standing, and walking! It’s ridiculous! Unless the guy has a gimp leg, it can’t be comfortable for him. And the girl must just not care about herself to let a guy do that to her. Damn those people. - While searching for a picture for this article, I actually stumbled upon a Jimmy Smits fan page. Talk about a misaligned use of one’s time. - Rumor has it that Bill is the one running the web site. He finds Smits riveting. - I saw a bumper sticker that read “Jesus is Lord.” By that rational, “Steve is Guerrieri.” - Religious people are funny. But I’ll save that for another time. - When I moved to Los Angeles a few months ago, I used to tell people “I guess I’m supposed to be a writer.” If they are reading this now, they’ll see I guessed wrong. - Well, that was it. The first entry. Now get the hell out of here.
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