October 4th - Really, This Web Site Is Still Up?

- Yeah, yeah, I know. "Nice hiatus, jerkface." I'll dispense with apologies and empty promises of constant updates. Let's do this, folks!

- I finally saw Nine Inch Nails for the first time this weekend at the Hollywood Bowl. The crowd was exactly as you might imagine. I’ve never seen so much visible dandruff in all my life.

- Luckily, I had the pleasure of sitting in front of two cuddling lesbians. In a strange twist of fate, they looked like they were in high school and were so hot, they probably would have turned me down if they were straight. Also, I wasn’t sure if their questionable legal age made it wrong for me to watch as they nuzzled each other like a couple of Eskimos without an igloo. I mean, it’s not like I can do anything illegal with them anyway. Are we talking about a grey area here?

- While wearing my 10 dollar bootleg T Shirt to work, I was passed by our HR guy, who promptly referred to me as “Hey there, Mr. N, I, N. Guy” Clearly this man has no idea why he was saying that, except that it was on my T Shirt and his job is to pretend to be my friend. Tomorrow I'm wearing a shirt that says "F U H R."

- This is also one of those people who find nothing wrong with starting a urinal-to-urinal conversation. Is there anything more awkward than someone saying "I knew I shouldn't have had that extra Pepsi after lunch." How do you respond to that??

- I also saw A History of Violence this weekend. Upon leaving the theater, an old lady turned to her husband and said, “I didn’t realize it was going to be so violent!” Seriously. You didn’t think a movie titled A History of Violence a poster like this would be violent??

- That's a gun! Blocking the star's face! I guess I can understand if you went to The Greatest Game Ever Played and were shocked to find that it’s about the passion and excitement of…golf?!? I hope that lady accidentally rents Cronenberg’s Crash from a few years ago instead of the new movie. Then she’ll really have something to be surprised about.

- A few days ago I saw a Hummer parked in a handicap spot with a handicap lanyard.

- Hey, Hockey’s back. On OLN. That’s smart marketing. Let’s take a sport on life support and give it the same exposure as national treasures like yachting andturkey hunting. You know, really light a fire under it.

- You know, porn spam has become more and more bold in the past few months. Instead of opening an email from a supposed ‘friend’ who has a link I ‘really need to check out,’ now they just drop the bullshit act and give it to me straight. Such as this item (actual nudity blocked for those at work):

All right. That’s more like it! If I were to check out a porn website, this would be the one. They’ve already given me a free sample and aren’t trying to be my friend! This person has automatically gained my friendship by proving their worth, because they included boobs right there in the body of the mail. This guy (or girl..Lonnie?) knows how to make friends!

On the opposite end of the spam spectrum is a strange new breed of gibberish-speaking product peddlers. They don’t try to be your friend or show you fancy pictures of what they're selling. Instead, they give you a string of hilarious non-sequitur phrases. Take this one for instance:

Any bluish golden baby is angry?! Is this just really bad translation, or some weird-ass keyword embedding? Part of me misses the welcoming bosom of the porn spam, but there's something oddly fascinating about all these fucked up sentences.

If you wished my hiatus was permanent, begin your history of violence at Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com

February 1st - Depression Month of the Year!

- I officially dub February the DMotY, because it's a safe enough distance from Christmas that you've already played with all your toys, its main holiday is specifically tailored to make you feel terrible if you don't have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), and promises the absolute worst weather of the year. It's a great month for people watching!

- Vin Diesel has a new movie coming out called the Pacifier, where he's an ex-something-or-other who now must use his military skills to pacify children and win the heart of a lonely housewife. A lot of people might feel bad that Vin Diesel's career has fallen so hard. They may think he had quite a future ahead of him if not for xXx and Fast and the Furious and the one where his friend died and he was mad about it. What was it called? Exactly. But I think it's been great! I mean, if you're gonna watch a train wreck, you want to see the biggest trains. It's like watching Cuba Gooding's career after Jerry Maguire.

- And coming soon: The Career of Jamie Foxx!

- I saw a commercial by Hummer that showed the H2 in various states of production accompanied by animal sounds. I know they were trying to equate the Hummer to the beauty of nature and wild animals. But I think the real purpose of the commercial was to let us know which animals will become extinct because of the gas-guzzling, resource-stealing, environment-raping vehicle.

- I was recently scammed by a 14 year old girl in the parking lot of Ralph's. And no, it's not because she said she was 18. I was heading to my car when a family of three - a mother, her 14 year old daughter, and what looked like an 8 year old daughter - started walking towards me. The mother and young daughter kinda hung back, but the 14 year old came right up to me. "Excuse me. Oh my gosh, do you think you could please help us? Our car is out of gas and we need a couple bucks so we can get home." Now, my immediate reaction is to always say no to beggars and keep walking. But this...This was a 14 year old girl! So I asked "Where's your car??" She said it was down the street. Red Flag. But because I was in a good mood, I said, "Okay, here's three bucks." I knew it was bullshit. So I stood there and watched as she thanked me and had God bless me, then took her mother and sister across the street to a market. Wow. What a surprise. I just got scammed. So I got in my car, drove across the street and parked right outside the market, just in time to see them walk out with a few bags of Doritos. Doritos!! I stared down the family as they came out, shook my head, and took off.

- Luckily, I've learned my lesson. No more money to anyone asking for it. Unless they're of age and offering something in return.

- I was at this pajama party over the weekend. It was the ultimate college party. Except I'm about 2 years removed from college. The highlight of this party was that they had a bowl of weed. And I'm not just talking about one packed bowl to smoke. They had a cereal bowl filled with weed. Community weed. For you or that guy, or that guy's girlfriend who doesn't smoke in public because she hates making friends with the stoner who has it. I've never seen that at a party. Not that I should. People in college clutch their weed like it's the One Ring. Now that we're out of college though, there's a sense of adulthood. Of trust. Of maturity. We can set out a bowl of drugs and trust no one will walk out with it. Of course, it could be because when you see a bowl of weed just sitting out, you either mistake it for potpourri or get too stoned to even think about taking it with you. Instead, you're thinking about how everyone at the party resembles an 80's movie star.

- A while back my roommate and I drove by a 7-11, where a homeless man had all the belongings from his shopping cart spread out across the parking lot. My roommate asked what he was doing. I said, "Cleaning his room."

- How is it that for years we heard about how women are misrepresented in television and now, when talentless, heartless, repulsive women like Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie (sorry, Lionel), and Ashlee Simpson have their own TV shows, no one is complaining? Why is this better than using women as sex objects to sell products? I guess because they tried to use Paris Hilton as a sex object with her homemade porn, but she actually misrepresented women there too. Her sex skills make my hand seem like an exciting rendezvous I'd tell friends about. Turn off your cell phone, you self important bitch.

- I saw a concert with a band that rocks out old video game songs. It was the most amazing experience to see nerds who are (slightly) nerdier than I am screaming "GOONIES 2!" at the top of their lungs. My friend works at the bar, and said in the 5 years she's worked there, she's never seen anyone crowd surf. Until that show. All it took was a guy with a terrible moustache and the song from level 2 of Ninja Gaiden.

- The concert ended exactly like you would imagine. The band said, 'We want to thank everyone for coming out tonight. Oh, and this guy over here lost his glasses. So if you guys could all just take a second to look down and see if his glasses are near you, that would be awesome. Alright, thanks guys! Rock!"

- To some men, the idea of being a gynecologist is probably pretty sweet. But remember; some of those women are coming to you for a reason. An infectious reason.

- To some women, the idea of being a porn star is probably pretty sweet. But remember; you'll probably be one of those women visiting the gynecologist.

If you're depressed you won't be making homemade videos with Paris Hilton this Valentine's Day, look for glasses with Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com